Get my ass on the chair, start working like usual…
Till now I hardly breathe, cos of the rainbow color I looking on the screen,
The shyts project I have to handle, I wonder why they can’t just organize the work appropriately before ask me to handle it…
Some more it’s from HK, make me cross out the edge of patience …
Doubt do they understand after the conference calls on the day itself…


Here comes my rare post…Consider rare eh? I guess…Been endured for years, I’m getting used to it... Since the last break out, The last and worst one, at this instant it been ups and down…I’m unlike normal one…The speed of mine goes rapid than the other normal human.. Heart palpitates for that long…

I remember andrew used to hold my hand and check my pulse, asking why my heart pulse that rapid…Even Q did the same thing, asking why my heart hasty than normal people should have…Till today talked with colleague when having lunch about heart disease topic, I told them what my condition…There goes I get scolded by them, Why never go for remedy? Since the medical establishment is high now…Why delay… Why lazy? Why this and that... All i did was, "nothing lar, get used for years ed...", just told them whats im suffering since im young that i do body checked up,doctor said i have heart disease;they scolded me why never mentioned, what if anything happen,besides what should they react, i was thinking"eh, u all regret hire me d ah?" ..

As I thinking, People nowadays are same like me, Suffer what I’m having now…

Heartache, hasty heart pulse, hand trembling, giddy, sometimes tachypnea and difficulty breathing…

Nevertheless, lately i suffer from it over again, dont mentioned about hand trembling as it often occured... let say giddy, tachypnea and heartache... Last two weeks were suffered in difficulty breathing and giddy while at office...even so it happens today again, feeling dizzy and feel weak all over my body,but i didnt tell them im not feeling well today;part of the reason i dont tell much to people about my condition, cause ppl will worried and afraid of you... likely it happened among my closed one, moreover when im suffering, i dont speakout to my family as well, cos they will just scold me said i never went for exercise..ever since that im tired of explaining and tell out my words... about everything... might as well just keep it to myself, how long i can hold on, how far i can walk, i just move on, it might ruined my future, suffering pain, i wish i have a better future, but i have to give up on certain things that i still capable to do or enjoy now, why dont i do it now, let the future tells when im future me? I might sounds stupid for thinking so, but... i already gave up much things in the past, i cant let it happen again ... i promised to myself, at this moment i started to walk this path, i will still find treatment wont give up on curing myself... but it aint easy to search one suitable one.. arghh...



Part II:
had a conversation with sis in the room,
we talked about andrew...
as she said she admire me,
i wonder why...
maybe cos its been so long i hold on,
still loving that much...

SIS: ytd night i 11pm come room ssaw u sleep ed...3am i come up again, i saw ur eyes red...i looked at ur phone, no light also.. i thought u crying...

ME: is it? i keep quiet...

SIS: u crying meh?

ME: i dont know...

SIS: ....

ME: maybe cos i dreamt of him....

and from that time, im tearing........

sis saw that, she walked away, let me be alone in the room.... she knows i need space to cool down...

Im those Gemini.. could be evil and angel, but being so, makes me suffer, makes me lost of choosing which one should i go, that i lost most what should have in my life, no matter how long i keep moving on like this, i hope i found my own way "HOME" ...