i would never expect he would say so..
till now he finally said so..
which ....................
already the end of us,
i thought that we still have chance,
even if he said so..
i wanted we have a chance,
and he said he want to be alone...
and he no longer need timeout caused of what i said..
compared him with the other guys
which i made things goes wrong...

after what we talked ....
we shared and know..
but after we shared,
we cant get back anymore...

i cried out so badly..
trying so hard to hide my feeling from people..
cos i dunwan them to know...
just 1 month,
today shud be our 1st month,
which is a happy tings,
but we ended on today..
my heart really broken..
how badly i want us to get back..
and im regret of what i did and say..
i wanted to say im really sorry..
after i did all the stupid things..
but no matter how many times i beg..
even cried or even apologize,
darling wont get back with baby...
baby is all alone now...
darling not going to say he love me like he always do..
darling not going to call me and play with me anymore...
darling not going to call baby and call me baby anymore..
baby cant ever said she miss darling so badly..
baby cant ever go walk around ,anywhere everywhere with darling anymore..
baby not belongs to darling anymore...
typing this out,
i dunno how many times i cried and i even feel the pain on my face...
i am regret..
i really do..
but no matter how i regret,
darling wont ever want to get back with baby...
darling have phobia over baby...
baby cant make darling happy anymore...
baby so regret..
baby waiting right here jz to wait for darling to come back to baby and said to baby he miss me and want me badly...
but no more...

just 1 month...
i want more...
till no limit,
im serious this time..
i am..
and im a stupiest 1 ever,
cos i let go someone..
who really love me but i never appreciate..
now i know,how pain and guilty is that ...

he said he wan us to be fren
which i dunwan
i really dunwan!

is it give him time,
and he will get back?
is it he still love me and care me but he wanted to punish me?
den punish me till u feel enough,
and get back with me...
i dun care..
as i really hope i can be with you...
only you.
all i want is only you..
after all that...
all i think of is just to be with you..
and i am really clear of what i want,
and what im going to do and what im not going to do..
which i going to love u for more than everything,
and wont say a single words dat harm u...
all what i done...
and thats the huge lesson i ever learn,
which i lost you...
and the lesson which take away u from me,
i cant get the one last chance..

im waiting monday for so long,
waiting and excited for so long..
cos finally i can spend a holiday with you...
which i keep think of where to go,
even i cant call u but how i wish i could discuss with you..
i smile most of the time im thinking of you...
which i din realized ...
and my colleague ask me whats wrong with me,
think bf think until smile at there..
and all the colleagues laughs at me..

mummy go around and tell i had a bf,
which i dunno what shud i say,
I let her know about darling,
which i know she pretty like darling,
and noe i love darling too...
she never stop me from seeing darling,
which she even bring me go,
and im really suprised...
cos tis is the 1st guy she want me to be with...
and i wanted us go for long,
but i keep do the wrong thing,
till darling fed up...
and now..
i dunno what i shud do,
to make darling dun walk away from me...
i am really sorry..

i thought of,
telling everything out to darling of whats i really thought of on the special day of us on monday,
to create the 1st ever best memory and best moment for us,
let us to know each other more,
and dats my plan on the day..
which im going to gv darling a suprise..
a day a trip that we can really spend only us,
and let darling bring me do anything,and teach me,
how to not to care wats people thought..

Since the 1st day,
he told me he is different
and i can see that..
he said he going to change my mind,
which now he found out he cant..
i would change ...
jz d matter of.....
i always feel im not suitable be in his life,
and he always tell me i do have d right to do whatever things in his life...
as he love me so much..
i found back my smiles,
and i told him dat...
he gave me back,
and once again,
i nvr appreciate,
and i cant ever have the smile back..
cos he take away my smile..
i cant be happy as im being with him ...
although a simple things we done,
a movie we watch
a simple words he said
"i felt bored over the movie,but i just wan spend more time with you"
i felt so touched and feel the sweetest ever ...

once at pasar malam,
we walked and crap around..
he made me smile,
i kept bullied him said i let go or whatever
he keep hug me so tight just scared i will walk away,
and my heart felt so warm,dat he hug me so tight he hold me like he nvr gonna let go..
i smile from my heart...
and got once he said
" i never hold ur hand for 1 min,you dun even feel anything?"
and i said,
"no matter how long u nvr hold,i know u still hold me no matter what,so i just wait for you to hold me.. arent you will hold me?"
"yes i do..."
and i smiled cos of dat,
becos my darling are so silly..
yet he is so cute..
and he said he dun like i said him cute...
but said he good cute...
and did i tell him?
he is the great looking guy in my heart..
everytime i said i saw a handsome guy,
i just want to see how darling react..
which if he jealous,
i love to see that..

darling always have ppl attention on him
which .........
i love people attention too...
and dats wat my think of...
i nvr tell cos im shy to tell as people said im thick face..
but being with darling,
whenever ppl look at him,
i smiled cos im glad my darling being with me..
1st thing cos he is mine,
2nd thing cos he is adorable,
3rd thing cos... three words,
i love him..
i just really love him...

now i think back,
i tried to smile back today,
tried to smile back like i being with him,
but......
i cant..
cos my smile belongs to him,
and only he own my smile,
once he walk away,
i could never be happier and smile...

My ex asked me,
asked me to be happy,
as i told him..
i am really happy,
cos someone making me happy..
and said...
i nvr thought i can be happy as now..
that time im saying so,
i nvr thought i would say so...
but i tell,
cos dats how i feel and happy about...

Darling,
was the sweetest guy that treat me..
the guy who really love me and i can feel it..
the guy who are so priceless and my precious..
but i always denied on something ..
believe things dat not going to happen..
and he trying his best to not make bad things happen..
he tired but he keep trying
just to be with me..
he always tell me
not to care what ppl think
whats matter is what my own think..
and he wanted to know wat im thinking...
i always mind he will mind about what my past and whats my thinking if he know..
he said he wont,but i really scare,cos im not perfect enough...

Darling was the 1st guy i would willing to listen what he tell...
whenever he share on everything
i listen and smiled,
and look at him..
he taught me alot of things which i dunno and im really interest on..
which i really want him to hold my hand,
and tell me everything that i dont know...
i just love the way he look when he talking and driving...
and singing..
he never notice but i always peeking on him..
when he saw,
he would show me dat kind of,
why look at me ? those face..
which i smiled again..
and everytime once he get free when driving,
he would hold my hand,
and kiss my hand for many times,
and he dun mind i bite him,
cos he know i love to bite,
so even he pain,he still let me bite,
or even pull his ear..
with him,
i cant cried ,
cos he always making me happy,
even i cried,
he keep said he scared,
so without making him scared,
i tried to control over my tears,
the worst i cried,
is today,
which i cant stop..
cos i cant smile and i realized we are end..
and...
im started to live alone,
without his calls n sms,
cant hear his voice every morning,
cant call him in the morning to wake him up..
cant wait for his call after he finish his works
cant chat with him when he stucked in the traffic jam...
and how long i can recover?
i dun think tis time can be fast..
cos when i found out i really love,
and i cant pull out myself..

and now,
wats the matter most is...

i want you so bad,
my only wish...
if i ever have a chance,
i wont care how people think,
the matter,is only me and him
having a simple life like we hope...
yes we can do it..
i blive we can..
if he ever said he want to be with him,
which....
im still hoping...
and i'll wait...

And ..
Darling...
you are tired,
why dont you rest?
and let me being the person who take care you from now on?
let me saying i love you ...
let me please you..
let me make u feel relax and happy..
let me...to let you found wat u want...
as i really hope,
i can take out the phobia from you...
let you feel ,
u are stress-less with me..
u are happy with me
u wont feel any fear of i would call u tell u about breaking up or wat,
which i promise i wont...
let you feel,
i really love you..

i made up my mind,
to love you
and never leave you..
i wont hate you...
cos i cant...
even if u walk away,
i'll be right where i am,
just to let u saw me if you turn ur head to behind...
i'll wait...
till you want to get back with me..

I am sure,
i made up my mind
to being the girl for the rest of ur life
after what i done all d mistakes,
i would take my hardworks,my everything,
just to hold on with you,
and i am sure,
I cant love any1 else anymore..
Cos my heart,
sticked with yours,
and not going to break off,
not going to take it off...



This is what i wanted to say of all,
no matter what happened,
is a past,
im sorry i done wrong,
and makes u have phobia..
for taking out the phobia,
i would do everything...
Becos i really made up my mind,
i want you,
i love you,
and dats a forever...
And thats what i really think of ...

maybe you feel im giving stress to u,
but...
wat i really hope is i want to be your baby...
i really want to...

you said i dun understand,
i would understand.....
if i ever have the chance,
and wont said any single words harm u...
if i do,
i will scold myself,slap myself,cut off my tongue(which pretty pain)
to shut myself..
cos i hurt my baby boy again...

i cant call u darling like i can,
but i just can call you right here...
dont know when,
i still can call darling as usual..
like no cares what people think,
jz shout out DARLING like i never do..
DARLING
i smiled becos of you,
now my smile,
only be back when u are back with me...
hopefully thats going to become a reality,
which i really will wait for it to become..

How darling feels right now?
darling must be busy eh?
how i wish i could help him to release his tension..
how i wish darling can said he miss me badly...