Yesterday should be as usual
saturday back to klang..
but for my assignment music video shooting..
everything are so smooth..
Caley as the model of my music video shooting..

but things get into trouble when at night..
Caley cried so hard..
mum and dad trying to make her sleep,
but she keep awake and cry..
suddenly my mind pop out,
because of my music video shooting..
she gotta stay under the sun,
she gotta suffer all the things we arrange..
i feel so guilty..
i look at mum and dad keep busy for her..
but i cant do anything..

i hide myself in the room,
i tot she sleep..
but the end,i heard she cried again...
i was so scared...
i started to feel scare and cry..
i struggled for so long,whether should i go and help..
but when i go down,i found out i cant do anything but just cry..
i make her cant sleep,i make mum tired but she need to take care Caley..
i keep cry and cry,hide behind the stairs and cry..

sister came,i said sorry to sis,but she said its okay..ask me why say sorry,cos not my fault..
i cant control and hide myself in the room..
i called hippo,but i dunno wat to say except cry...
until sis came in,and she asked me wats wrong.
i lost control...cry more hard...i cant breathe..
feels like im out of control...
my mind were awake,but my body my tears are different ..
i cried and cried...
finally i collapse...

mum and liwei came in,
i keep saying sorry..
sorry and sorry..
crying and crying..
sis scold me,said why i keep cry..
finally all the stress gets into my mind..
i cant tell out,i keep cry more hard and harder..
i scream..my head pain..
sis keep scold,mum keep ask me shut up..
sis slap my face..
and the end....
i scream...
i totally lost control..
all i remember is,im screaming,and scratching my face..
i lost control,my mind controls my whole body whole action,my soul become an abnormal person..
i keep saying sorry and crying..
they feed me drink,i cant ...
they ask me walk,my leg cant..
they ask me stop crying,i cant..
they pull me into my own room..
i keep saying im sorry..

dad ask me stop that..
i said sorry..
my mind..i jz say..
"im sorry,slap me...im useless"
i told mum im not her daughter..
im useless...
with all the stress wat i feel,i say it out..for 20 years i being their daughter,but im jz so useless..
i said im sorry,i hurt their grandchild..
i makes caley cry..
i waste their money..
everything...
everything of me is a mistake..
from im a baby till now..
i shouldn't live in this world..
i laughed,i cried..
i cant breathe..
they keep asked me to stop..
they said they accept my apology...
i keep saying sorry..
all i can do jz saying sorry..
i ruined everything..
i scream,i roar..
i cant control myself..
why i became such person ?
i try to awake myself,but cant...
the evil is controlling everything..
i try so hard to stop screaming..
but i cant..
im calling for help in my soul...
but no one hears me..
im lost inside my soul..
the evil control everything...
i said im stress,i shouldn't waste their money to let me study..
they ask me stop study ..
dunwan let me study anymore..
said i like dat also becos stress..
i heard wat they said,but im in my soul..
my mind controls everything...

mum said if i continue like dat..
she will call ambulance..
at the last..
mum gave a medicine..
what i want dat time..
i found nobody can help me anymore..
even family...
they cant help..
nobocy can..
at the end,im holding my phone..
wanted to call hippo,but i have no energy..
i type a short msg,i have no more energy,i used all i have,to type"i same as dat day"
he said wat tat day..i replied"im sorry"
and he jz said"haihs,i go sleep le,gd9"
he wont concern and worried...
and dat time i found out,except my family,i tot he will care,but the end,he wont...
and dats the final..
he dunno anything,couldn blame ..but...
do he know dat...
his cares means a lot to me?
and from dat time..
i realized...
nobody can help me..
i dont need anybody..
they dunno wats wrong about me...
cause i jz scream and cry..

im still in my soul..
i cant get out...
till today morning i wake,i dun even talk to anyone..
dun even speak a word..
mum asked me sit beside her..
she ask me wan continue study?if dunwan den she fetch me go back withdraw..
i didnt say,but i jz move my head,saying i wan continue..
my tears dropping again...

and now..
i hide myself in the room..
writing this blog..

this blog,makes me express my everything..
my privacy..
who nobody knows...how i feel..
theres nobody knows..
i cant talk to anyone..
i wont share..
i jz write in this blog..

everything in this blog,
is real..
i cant control myself yesterday..
i jz keep crying and screaming...

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